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For almost two years now I have thought about one thing everyday. I had a miscarriage at the age of 14. Losing Emily had put a "block" on my life. I wasn't willing to move on even though I knew I needed that the most.... Let me start from the begining so you understand it all and why this pregnancy meant so much to me. I had met my boyfriend "Doug" shortly after I moved to Minnesota in 2000. My life here was not going well so I moved back to Colorado with my sister. I had gotten in trouble and yet again was sent to my mothers in Minnesota. This time it was for good and I had to accept the fact that I'd be here for the rest of my teenage years. Soon enough though I hooked up with Doug once again and we started dating. We dated for 7 months and then I ended up pregnant. That pregnancy... ended up breaking our relationship and my heart. I wanted that baby more than anything in the world. Doug and I had even discussed if I was to get pregnant, and had agreed that if it happened then he'd stick around..... Well he didn't... he bolted out of there as fast as he could.... But I began living my life...being pregnant. I had finally accepted the fact that I'd be alone with my daughter and almost instantaniously my life seemed to be ending. I went to a routine OB appointment when my doctor came in and said I was losing my baby. My pride and joy... I knew it was possible I had started bleeding a week earlier...but I was so afraid that I just denied it...I went blank after that. Avoiding anyone and everyone... I was so ashamed that my body couldn't handle the life living inside of me ... That I couldn't stop it.
My life from that point has changed forever. For a long time I wouldn't accept that I had lost her... and it took me a really long time to realize it was out of my hands. I wouldn't let anyone help me not even my family. It seemed to be an unspeakable issue with them. I ended up missing the first couple months of my freshman year in high school because I was too stuborne to allow anyone in my life... At that point I was put on anti-depressants and they helped for a while but the school I was in wasn't very demanding of my time and I'd sit alone in my room, and just cry... they stopped working after that, or more or less I stopped taking them. But as the time has gone by, I've grown acustom to the fact that she will always be my daughter and she will always have a big part in my daily life. I've learned I had to let go. I had to move on. I'm doing much better now. I go to school on a continuous basis, and have a lot of friends who have helped me along the way. I feel that I've been sent on some sort of mission for myself to help other people in the same situation.... I didn't really have any "friends" at first to help me out... but I want to be there for someone else... because I've felt the pain and know now that it does get better....
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